Thoughts for Food

I have been for years, and continue to be, a thinker with regard to proper nutrition. Never one to back off from the ultimate test of food and drink value - does it taste good? - I have accumulated, over the years, a wealth of nutritional wisdom that you, intelligent reader, can now access via my "curlylarryandme" blog. At no extra charge, or initial charge, for that matter. First of all, biblical support for my premises: Since the Bible says in Proverbs, "A merry heart maketh like a medicine," does it not follow that food which makes one happy is a way to stay healthy without prescriptions and over-the-counter remedies? Look at me! Thank you. Also, the Bible said that it is not what goes into a man's mouth that defiles him, but what comes out of his mouth, I rest my case. I refer to this as my "Twinkie Defense" for much that I have found to be true. Now, there's no record of Jesus eating Twinkies, I am certain had they been available, He would have tried them. Not to mention Ho-Ho's, Ding-Dongs, and my personal favorite, Banana Flips (a fruit serving with a filling of protein-rich cream).

A few years ago all the food experts were saying butter was bad, and that a vegetable-based spread was better. Recent research says, no, not so fast pleasure-destroyers, that butter is actually good for you. I knew this in 9th grade. Much the same for red meat, gray meat, pink meat, and white meat. People who do not eat any of those things tend to be sullen, depressed, and envious of we free spirits who imbibe.

One brown beer per day is good for women. Two beers of any kind each day is good for men. This is recent, but I've known it all along. What else is good for women, in particular? Chocolate. I knew that, and so did lots of other guys over the centuries. I mean, what do we give women for Valentine's Day? Let's move on.

One final comment. Being slightly overweight (to me, that means within 30 lbs of what the nutrition snots/busybodies/nerds demand) is a good thing. Doctors who have wisdom will tell you that. It must be true, not only because I saw it on the news, but because I said so. My weight varies between 177 and 210, and you'll never meet a happier, healthier person.

Now, if this doesn't free you up and cheer you up, I give up. More next week, but perhaps another topic that will make you feel good about yourself, or give you a light moment laughing at me. Shalom!

A warped rascal makes his introduction

I was born in Clinton, Iowa in July a long, long time ago when there were still a few of the smaller dinosaurs  (Procompsognathus, anyone?) scurrying about in the cornfields. I grew up weird, being told by a science teacher in 9th grade that I was "warped," which delighted my classmates, thus securing, on a scientific basis, future behaviors. In that same pivotal freshman year, I was also shown to the principal's office five times for what I would call "being a rascal" but he called it "being an incorrigible." The last visit provoked anger when, threatened to be sent to the State Training School for Boys in Eldora, I asked, innocently, "Do they have a basketball team?" My question went unanswered. In high school, my interest in college was discouraged by guidance counselors, who told me that, if I somehow got into a college, I would have to be a P.E. major. But I liked stories, which I was encouraged to write by Mr. Olson in Creative Writing class my senior year in high school. It all worked out. Also, in high school, I hit myself in the head with a baseball bat. (Don't think about that too much, please.) I earned some college degrees, served in the USAF in the Philippines and Massachusetts, and spent one year hitching around Europe and ending up on a kibbutz in Israel. I am thankful to the USAF for, through them, I met my long-suffering wife, Lisa, who is beautiful, brilliant, and gifted as a teacher. I mean, how would you like to teach 9th graders English all year long? Yet, she loves it and is successful as well, being a National Board Certified educator.

I have traveled in 43 states and 23 countries, fleeing sordid criminal records checks.

We have two grown daughters: Caitlin, a published history professor in New England; and Rowe, a published poet here in South Carolina. So, writing runs deep in our family. As for me, so do rejections. I've had dozens upon dozens, but I've also had the occasional published piece and a check in the mail from time to time. My work has appeared several times in Reader's Digest (including a First Person Award), McCall's, THE SIGN, Dynamic Years, Today's Health, Newberry Magazine and a couple of literary magazines: The Reedy River Review and The Mountain Laurel. I wrote a novel as part of a three-book monograph series for The National Institute of Mental Health (oh, the irony, for someone designated "warped" as a child!), entitled Son-up, Son-down. I also had the privilege of being a featured columnist in the Morganton (N.C.) News Herald and the Clinton (S.C.) Chronicle. Most of my stuff involves making fun of myself. There's just so much material.

I have to admit I'm excited about my forthcoming commercial fiction novel, Signs of Struggle, due out this coming autumn (autumn is a better word than "fall"). When it's ready for purchase, believe me, I'll let you know, and I'll post details along with a synopsis. The greatest influences on my writing, and my favorite authors? Mark Twain, Joseph Heller, Robert B. Parker, Ron Rash, Sherri Reynolds, and Marilyn Robinson pretty much tell the story.

Now, a word about the title of my blog, "Curly, Larry, and me." I love The Three Stooges. That should tell you something. Although I'm an English professor, I am not an intellectual, a scholar, or a grammarian. I just love stories and I love to write, and the college encourages me in that self-destructive behavior. And my tag line, "Don't ask the question if you can't stand the answer" comes to me from a former Green Beret and SWAT Team member who said that to me once and it stuck.

Enough for this post. I promise to write regularly, faithfully, and on occasion, warpedly. (I told you I am not a grammarian.) Tell your friends if you like my blog. I hope you will. More later.